Tell me what can I do about it now?

Going backwards - for the sake of looking back...
sometimes we...(Me) -
go backwards for the sake of looking back
for the sake of - remembering (atleast) one "good" thing out of a series of bad things -
out of a series of rehabilitating situations -
out of a series of lessons-
out of a series of... I thought I would never do that again
or - I will never do that again
out of a series of lonely nights
out of a series of crying ourselves to sleep
out of a series of regrets
out of a series of mistakes
out of a series of ....
- decisions we could have took more time to make
We...(Me) - look back because it is familar
because its all we have
because the future is so bright - we cant see that - its more good in front of us - than there will ever be behind us
I turn my head one last time

p.s. I had to revise it-because my orginial version didnt come through all the way on my PDA

NO

I told you NO
Not because I "mean" NO
But because NO - is the answer to that question...
Yes - I admire you -
No I dont inspire to -
be around
- Ain't nothing - GOOD about
being around
- Ain't nothing - GOOD about
being an Option
-it dont feel Good
for you to think of me often
Maybe you misunderstood
- that
Seems like - YOU - always
misunderstood - THAT!
when the question comes up
You pause
- Maybe it was just because...
YOU were thinking of something clever to say
it didnt need you to be clever
- just tell me in the right way
speak softly
speak honestly
Be TRUE
- thats always how I spoke to YOU
-thats how I often thought of YOU

but Now - my answer is NO

somehow - it represents everything - I feel today

I began with this song - that is still in my head
(your all.....I want - Your all..... -I ever - need-ed)
but what you didnt know - is that I was talking about GOD

& so I lay in peace in my bed at night - realizing that Im more and more of an excibitionist & I know I probably spelled that wrong - but I hated the spelling bee when I was young - so I made up my mind that - there were words that I would not learn to spell - but that I would still speak

the record skips
or may be it was the CD
infact all my CDs skip
was it scratched or was it dust or do I need to stop downloading off the Internet & buy the real thing

this message is especially for me

to hear
I was here
& you were there
talking bout
why dont you grow your hair
now - I try not to cut it
now - you try not to love it
but you do...
somehow - it represents - everything I feel about you...
strong
but fragile
long
& still growing
dark
but not quite black
- its just hair -
should I even be thinking about that
ok - so Im going to try to leave my hair alone - will you help me

by the way - (this happened while I was typing)
I hate short guys - who think - they are on my level - because they can literally look me in the eye

silly rabbit - tricks are for kids
- that's what my brother Kruze always use to say...
now we only speak on Sunday's - cause we dont have much to say

again

Just to see if I could do it
I walked -
almost 15 blocks

so will I ever do it again

Just to see if I could do it
I threaten you
& you responded just like I knew you would

so will I do it again

Just to see the sun shine
I went to sleep
and this morning
the sun shined through my window

tomorrow - it will happen
again

Becuz - I luv u soooo much

Becuz - I love you soooooo much
you can Sometimes - get on my damn nerves
& thats EVERYONE - I allow in my circle
family, friends, roommate(s), oh - and the occassional MALE species

Be proud - that only U can push my buttons & make me go off - everyone else - is Obvious...

To Nia:
after reading one of your blogs - Im asking myself -
#1 - why do you THINK - Im mad at you & not speaking to you - especially when I called you THAT day - after our email conversation - your soooo funny -
#2 - Do I really want to be in a relationship - becuz - All of my successful relationships have been with women - so does that make me a lesbian? - or am I just expecting too much from the male species?
When I read this:
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
I realized that this is soooo me... & this is sooo how I feel about relationships - because - Im trying to understand the purpose of some people in my life right now - what do they want from me? or... Im willing to admit - what do I want from them?
So Listen - if it wasnt ever clear - know this:
All I really want I man to do (right now) is: take out the trash, carry large items, wash the car, be the "man" in social settings (& YES - that includes paying for things), be encouraging, tell me what I Can do - more than you tell me what Im not capable of, do that little thing you do in the bed room - so that I wont become a frequent shopper at "toys r us" & oh most importantly dont be so hard to please...
See nothing in that - said LOVE me - but if you did all that - I would think that you would
oh & p.s. - be loyal - dont take anyone else to the movies (LOL!)

See this is what happens - when I just come to the computer & start typing...

Yea... So - I occassionally hate on Beyonce

I truly believe that GOD blesses - insignificance...
Why - you ask...
Because - GOD likes to be RECOGNIZED
& because when great people - do something - no one notices
- unless they make a really big deal about it
and even then - they are giving all the recognition to themselves - (example 50 cent)

or
no one cares -
because they believe - that sort of thing happens to them all the time
so why should this GREAT thing be any different

WE all hate - a little bit
just by simply getting caught up - with the gossip
internally Thanking GOD - that there is something wrong...

Example: How often do you feed into a rumor
I know I do - let me hear something negative about Beyonce & Im on it
Do I really HATE her
No..
I dont even know the girl
But Im glad to hear that she is NOT perfect
Im glad to hear that SHE makes mistakes
Classic statement I always like to hear about Beyonce - is Sandy telling me - she's one french fry away from being a "Big Gurl" - but we love her & cant knock her Jay-Z game - for real..

Why? am I glad to hear bad information on Beyonce - you might ask
because She's doing something - that I should be doing...
following her heart
& that makes me SICK

Im laughing - as I write this.
because Im sure that people - have found a reason or reasons - to not like certain things about me
but its ok -
Im discovering that just about everyone - questions????? GOD or themselves
What if Im not good enough?
What if it doesnt work?
What will other people think?
Why does he/she think that? about me?
Does this look alright?
Will I be accepted?
What if Im not smart enough?
What if?
What if?
What if?....

Why not expect the best? _ Im asking
and your response is...

If you think it - it will come

First you think it -
Then, you do it

Everything begins with a thought...
Like -
I use to think about my next hair style (before I did it)
I would tell someone close to me
NOT - to get their approval - but to see/hear their reaction
& THEN - I would DO IT!

So that - is just a simple- example
But, what you don't know is that Im doing that right now
....thinking - not only of my NEXT hairstyle - but also my NEXT move

- Ive complained about somethings long enough to make a changes...
& NOW the universe - (which is controled by) GOD - has provided a solution...

Ive been dealing with FEAR - lately
things Im afraid to do - "because"
things Im afraid to say - "because"
what's protocol is acceptable
what's different is NOT
too busy - allowing other people - to justify me
too busy - being blind
too busy - helping others - motivating others - with their dreams
I stopped dreaming

Then, I tried to do things routinely
Thinking
Hoping
that if I did it - enough times
that i would - learn to like it
Untrue
because if I didnt like it in the first place - my intentions would always be contradicted...

Im telling you this - NOT - because
I know everything
but because - I want YOU
- to THINK for yourself

The closed door is a blessing

Why do people speak in codes?
Why do people BELIEVE - that you know what they are trying to say - or what they mean?

That's me - at times
That use to be me all the time
Saying things to people & getting angry when they didnt understand me - or what I was going through.

IM SORRY!!!!
I didnt know how to be direct - everything I've ever said - involved a long story or explanation - But I'm working on that
& actually your helping me - by giving me the opportunity to just speak my mind.

I just recently came to the realization that NOT everyone around me - DESERVES to be around me -
this blew my mind -
that
& Erykah Badu - telling me to "PACK LIGHT"

I just recently discovered that when people start - exiting out of your life - you should NOT - look upon this stage, this event, this transition and maybe this hurt - as something negative -
but get excited about the stage you are entering -
unfortunately - you could not bring them along with you & that's why - they must Go...
Remember: if someone - wants to stay - you can not make them leave -
but if they want to Go - you can not make them stay...

Decisions - deceide our future - so deceide to be content & know that GOD - always has your best interest at heart

Floating

Im floating...
wow...
I didnt know I could feel so light
Kiss me on my neck
but please dont spend the night

Yesterday - came suddenly
Tomorrow - you'll be lovin me
& Today - I love myself MORE than - "a cause"
...cause Im beautiful - without the applause
...cause I just cant help to be me
...cause I just cant help to be free

and he said - you look so ravishingly...

I smile - like I always do - but you know -
that I aint really paying attention to you
Im too busy
floating

Space

Space
we need Space
between us
only for air
to complete us
and now
Space
is a memory of us...

Im Bitter - Bitter-sweet

Add more lemon
to the sirum
cuz
some people - think
whats sour - is so sweet
sometimes im spinning around
waiting for you
to sweep me off my feet

i want some
sugar in my bowl
But for now
I'll count dandelions
for the lies you've told

Im in Autum - you're in Spring

I slept
all day
woke up
and slept again
This isnt real sleep
its recovery
yesterday on the discovery channel
i watched
the male lion
penertrate
the female lion
and leave
in Autum
the birds leave
and fly South
Im trying to say my thoughts
but they wont come out my mouth