Thursday, March 31, 2005

Im tired of this shhhhh...........

Why in the H - E - Double Hockey Stick - did I go to a 4-year... wait a minute - $30K - $35K a year university... only to engage myself in this non-sense

- this day in -day out - grind - of the Yes, master... did I do this right .... did I put enough sugar in my bowl
- was it good enough - to make more money on my check - ????? - NOPE!!!

Tell me who gets ahead & why they pass us slow people
Tell me how those people who didnt finish school or never went to college - "make it"
Tell me - without charging me $29.99 to read your book of how you did it - or $300 to attend your seminar... share with me the information - that society - keeps from me...
Tell me the "real" secrets of success...

Thank You..

I would like to thank God for just the simple things in my life -

one in particular - today is a hot shower...

So my life - unfolding - is this
- come home to a notice on my door - "We've turned your gas off Ms. Harley"

I just keep it moving...
Heat my dinner up in the microwave (oh - yeah - Thank you God for microwaves too - otherwise - I would have eaten cold ceral or maybe a P&J for dinner) - pored a glass of wine - that I didnt finish & then took - the last hot shower... cause when I woke up this morning - the water was cold.
It may be really simple - but maybe looking at life this way - will keep me from focusing on all the negative things around me - that I really dont have any control over...

Other things I am thankful for:
My Family - for the support, love & sometimes frustration that they give me (but mainly Love)

My Friends - mainly my girlfriend - I have different friends for different purposes - I thank them for the balance they bring to my life - my male friends - I have a few male friends that I truly love - the other ones - I've learned some valuable lessons from your actions -

My Beau - after wandering around aimelessly -dating - and overall avoiding relationships- my life is peaceful and soooo much more stable - now that your around

My Roommate - I thank you for being there when Im home (so that I dont get lonely)

ect... ect...

Monday, March 28, 2005

Random thougts - lead me to an observation experience

ok.. so Im sitting at my desk - wondering - how do they deciede who gets an office...

Im also thinking about Kanye West's song Spaceship - mainly the part the goes...

"Ive been - workin this grave shift & I aint made shit... - I wish I could - but me a spaceship & fly.... - high & as the sky..."

...but Im always daydreamin about something -
always wanting -
always waiting.

Went shopping - or shall I say looking for clothes with Sandra on Saturday & I was just overwhelmed & its crazy - cause as I look at things that were nice & yes, things I need to buy cause my big behind - cant fit into my size 4 pants anymore - I was like - Im not buying anything...
So I've put myself on this fake spending freeze - knowing that I spend sooo much money on food & gas alone - to not buy anything for the next 3 months.

ok - Thanks to my cousin & a few - jerks in my life - Im realizing why I think the way I do.... anyhow - without getting into too much detail - I observed something that women do all the time for guys & it was like - O.M.G.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! when i observed it first hand

ok - a girl - gives this guy a letter - first of all he lives with his girlfriend & they have a child together - but he's out running the streets - doing whatever - Im sure the girl knows that -cause she cant call his house - cant go to his house & all the other b.s. that im sure is involved in that situation - so - he brings her to a venue - which is not a hotel - to fuk & she has written him this 4-page letter & made a CD for him - do you think that nigga read the letter or listened to the CD.....?????????????? helllllllll NO - cause he can care less - all he cared about - is that she was down for him picking her up to f............
I gave a guy a CD once & realized it was the biggest mistake - EVER!!! - for what - he's not interested in my song selection - what the songs mean to me - how much time I took to create the CD... so when I see this - Im just crushed - cause Im like - ok Boo - its ok - dont do it again... next time you wanna express yourself to a guy to let him know how you feel about him - or how he hurt your feelings - dont answer the phone - dont talk to him for a couple of days - cause they understand this language better than anything - its unfortunately true....

Friday, March 25, 2005

Just getting started...

I was thinking...that I would start writing in my journal again - at least 2 1/2 weeks ago - then my girlfriend Nia - sent me her journal - how cute I thought. But really - would I put my deepest - darkest - fears & thoughts for everyone to see...? I dont know.
Its suppose to be healthy doing this - letting it all go... Im just trying

I sometimes feel like a ballon -
I wait for someone to feel me up so that I can float
Maybe I'll float away

I sometimes feel like a flower
NO ONE's PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO ME!!!!!
maybe - I'll fake a death
turn yellow -then brown
feed me water

I sometimes feel like - Im tried of love
the noun-the verb
I say it -I mean it -
I talk about it - like a person
No one's ever seen it

I sometimes feel like Carrie from Sex in the City or...maybe Briget Jones.
but thats not reality -
I sometimes feel alone
I sometimes feel - like I....
woulda
shoulda
did - that different
but its over now